Take A Look At My Life

Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear. For your hands are defiled with blood, and your fingers with iniquity…

Contrary to popular belief, God doesn’t love all his children unconditionally regardless of their actions. God willl turn his back on you at the drop of a hat and leave you holding the bag. A punishment, if you ask me, far worse than any direct action he could inflict. At my absolute last resort, I have no one to turn to except for this notebook. That’s all well and good seeing that I speak to Hilroy everyday, however, he is incapable of telling me what he thinks or offering another perspective. No, he just soaks up whatever I tell him, ready to remind me of every detail should I ever call upon him to do so. I can’t just wash my hands of the past and walk away from it, I tried that once before and I couldn’t even fool you. No, there are too many broken hearts, hurt feelings and pain behind me to just wash clean but at the same time, I don’t think I deserve to be punished forever. Everyone makes mistakes, I know I’ve made more than my fair share and I know I’ve done some awful things that, if given the opportunity, I’d do again exactly the same way. Listen, I know I’m not a good person but there’s no shame in my game and I can admit as much is true but why does that make me your whipping boy? Now I guess you understand why I don’t believe in God. It’s because I’m not comfortable believing that someone would create something like me.

Why is it impossible to notice you’re swerving until you’re already out of your lane? I know that I’m not supposed to be over there but somehow I find myself drifting back over to the left. I better start watching these yellow lines.

We all have hopes, dreams and aspirations. We all want something more than what we currently have or where we currently are and anyone who says otherwise is lying. I simply do not believe that people settle for less than they can attain or achieve. The last part of that sentence is key because no matter whether you think your brother, sister, bredrin, homegirl, meemaw or child is settling for their job, career, significant other or fate, they are the only person who can make that determination and chances are what you take as settling for less than they are worth is actually their realization that they’ve reached their plateau. No one knows you better than you know yourself and in turn, you cannot possibly know the depth of (or lack thereof) someone else’s ability better than them. You may not be happy about it but NBA players aren’t the only people who don’t live up to expectations when they come out of college. However, that’s fine because even though you may not be the man on campus anymore but there are still one or two specific skills that you’ve learned along the way that will allow you to stay in the league for a while and even make a pretty decent amount of coin before your career is through. Don’t believe me? Google ‘Keith Van Horn’.

Something that everyone needs to hear and understand is that it’s okay to head out for ‘wonderful’, but on your way to ‘wonderful’ you’re gonna have to pass through ‘alright’. And when you get to ‘alright’ take a good look around and get used to it cuz that may be as far as you’re gonna go.

The trouble sleeping is nothing new, neither is the reverie. However, I’ve traded bad dreams for great nightmares. It’s a good thing I learned long ago that a good night’s rest is highly overrated, I’d rather be awake and thinking than asleep and letting my mind torture me. When I’m awake, I can choose not to have any emotions but after my eyes get heavy, everything I touch, I feel. I’m in a weird place right now. Too well off to even see rock bottom but saddled with enough obstacles that I wonder if I’ll ever reach the summit. I’m always the first one to help someone up when they get knocked down but I’m realizing now that I don’t want any help myself because for someone to help me up, it means they would have to witness my fall. I’m not comfortable with that. Ideally, I don’t want to fail at all but in the event that I do, I don’t want it to be a spectacle of any sort. Maybe I’m wrong about that, maybe I’m wrong about you, maybe I’m wrong about me…Maybe I should sleep on it.

Any problem you encounter in this life can be remedied by applying pressure. For real, think about it. You suffer a deep wound, everyone will tell you to keep pressure on it. Your team is getting torched by the best player on the other squad, the coach is gonna tell you to put more pressure on him to make his life difficult and force him into making mistakes. Therefore, I’m gonna turn up the pressure myself. At the very least, something will change, something always does. And in the best case scenario, things will change so much that I won’t recognize shit. Probably more importantly…You won’t recognize me.

I made a decision…Despite all of the things that we go through, Im gonna take more time with you and be the friend you need. I made a decision that everything’s gonna be alright, gonna stay strong and keep it tight, I’ll be there indeed.

More than anything, you need me, I need you, we need each other. I won’t promise to catch you every time you fall because those who don’t hear must feel but I will always be there to pick you up and dust you off. I, more than anyone, understand how important good friends are and don’t think for a second that I’ve turned my back on friendship and abandoned you, you just need to walk this path on your own because I can’t follow you (more like carry you) anymore. If I didn’t think you were more than capable of taking care of this yourself, we wouldn’t be here right now. You’ll be fine, maybe not for a while, but you will be. Make me proud.

I woke up to discover that my world as I knew it had come crashing down. Y’know what tho? I’m not even going to pick up the pieces of what once was. There is not one single thing in my past worth salvaging and I could definitely benefit from looking at things through soft eyes. I haven’t lost much, what’s missing now never was mine to beging with. I gained insight, which is more valuable than anything and anyone I’m turning my back on and I can approach life and anything she throws at me from a different perspective. While my eyes still get heavy when the day goes and I sleep, I’m still awake in a different state. So the sky might fall but I’m not worried at all, I’m flying too high to notice.

Regardless of how many times I replay history in my mind, it remains just that…history. No matter how many ways I can come up with on how I could have played things differently, the past will always be the past and for the first time in my life, I’m comfortable with that fact. What’s done is done and even if I wanted to go back and change things, I can’t. That’s right, even though I go hard on myself when I make my stupid mistakes, I still have no regrets. Fate, destiny, divine intervention…these things do not exist, life is what you make it. I made my bed, I had to lie in it eventually but I’m up now, I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and it’s a new day. There are new challenges, new obstacles and new hardships that aren’t going to take a break and wait for me so I’m back on my horse.

I don’t know if I would describe myself as a risk taker. I’m as outgoing as they come but every decision I make is the result of much contemplation and weighing of options, a calculated risk one might say. However, there comes a day when you’re not given an opportunity to sit back and think on a situation and you have to dive head first into the pool without checking the depth first. You can’t prepare for these instances, it’s simply just not possible, but know that they are coming and even when they do, you might not even notice it. You sometimes have to step out of your comfort zone to solve a problem, accomplish a task or just to enjoy yourself so embrace these opportunities, you might just learn something about yourself that you never would have known otherwise. A little personality vacation never hurt anyone (I had a very different stance on this statement until I took one myself) so bust out and do, buy or say something that you wouldn’t otherwise.

“Don’t choose security for fear of taking a risk. A boat in the harbor is safe but after time its bottom will rot out”

I honestly can’t say it any better than that. Food for thought. Eat up before it gets cold.

I never put much thought into my luck. It’s never been particularly good or bad because I’ve never won the lottery or been struck by lightning (the only true barometers of good and bad luck ). However, after my 10th flat tire in 6 years (5 in the past 2 years), I think maybe my luck kinda sucks after all. I don’t think you can really prevent nails, screws and the other random crap out there from getting stuck in your radial but they seem drawn to me and whatever car I’m piloting at the time. So to combat the bad spirits and omens, I have enlisted the power of a good luck charm. Okay, so it’s nothing more than the bolt that they removed from this latest flat tire but I’m hoping it can change my fortune at least a lil bit.